"I will praise you, O Lord my God, with all my heart; I will glorify your name forever." Psalm 86:12

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

Not Quite What I Dreamed Of

I'll be completely honest. I am fighting a terrible attitude today. And there's nothing I can do to get out of it. I've honestly never felt so let down. I'm finally "living my dream," and it's been so disappointing. Especially when I look at what these last two remaining weeks hold.

I was so excited about writing Bible studies for the 3rd to 6th grade girls. But now that has been put on the back burner so I can help out at the school. And I was supposed to be helping out in the 3rd and 4th grade room, but I've been summoned to work in the library.... laminating books.... for hours and hours..... and hours.

Let me explain why this is so disappointing. I have dreamed of coming to Africa for four years. Four years! Four years I've had these dreams of coming to Africa and loving on orphans and sharing the love of Christ with them simply by giving them attention and pouring my life into them. But here I sit, in a library, laminating books. Preserving material things that will one day be destroyed. I wouldn't mind laminating a few books in the states. But I'm in Africa. And only for 2 months. Finally living my dream. I was hoping to make the most of this short time. But I'm stuck in a library laminating books. All I can think is that people are dying and being sent to a Christless eternity, and I'm laminating books.

I think fighting off this bad attitude is so hard because I feel like my original intentions for coming to Africa were at least honorable. I wanted to come share the love of Christ with children and bring glory to my great God in this nation. I wanted to play a part in taking the gospel to the ends of the earth. I came here with such a willing and excited spirit to be used by the Lord in this place. But I only feel like my hopes and dreams have been crushed. Completely demolished.

I'm away from everyone I love, and I've been trying so hard not to count down the days until my departure from this place. But right now, 1 week and 6 days can't seem to go by fast enough. I hate feeling this way. I really and truly do want to make the most of the rest of my time. But it's a fight. A fight that I am losing right now. My heart is broken in this moment.

Please, please pray for the remainder of my time here
Please pray for my attitude.

I'm sorry about all my complaints. But I desperately need prayer.


  1. Hey Jordan! This is Pam, your old roomie. I just wanted to say that I love you. Your work is not in vain. It may seem like laminating books will contribute nothing to the country, but you never know what God has planned for those laminated reading materials. You are still making a difference, a BIG difference. And you've done more for Africa by laminating books than many of us could ever hope to do. I pray that the remainder of your time will overflow with blessings, just as you have overflowed Africa with your love, your smile, your courage, and your laminating. Love you pretty girl! :)


  2. Hang in there girl! Just know that NOTHING you do for the Kingdom is wasted and you are participating in eternity, even if you're laminating books! Every smile, every hug, every kind word, every act of service to those to the least of these you have done it unto Him! I know it's hard when something doesn't quite end up looking like you thought it would, but I encourage you to extract every single drop you can in the remainder of your time, because God would not bring you all the way out there to waste your time. He's at work, even if it's just working out things in your heart. Which is just as important. But I know it's more than that, too!

    Sorry for the long comment, but I know you need to know that you are being prayed for and lifted up! You have inspired so many people for just going and making it happen! I pray the remainder of your time is blessed and filled with God moments, even in the least expected places! Love you!

  3. Jordan,
    Taylor went through a difficult time when he worked in Georgia a couple of summers ago. He was so defeated when he would call - wondering what God was doing in and through him. I began to pray these verses from Psalm 51 for him. I know that your circumstances are not like David's when he wrote this, but it seems that you need to have your joy restored and you need to be sustained by His Spirit. I hope that you understand my heart as I pray this prayer for you:

    10 Create in me a pure heart, O God,
    and renew a steadfast spirit within me.

    11 Do not cast me from your presence
    or take your Holy Spirit from me.

    12 Restore to me the joy of your salvation
    and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me.

    13 Then I will teach transgressors your ways,
    and sinners will turn back to you.

    14 Save me from bloodguilt, O God,
    the God who saves me,
    and my tongue will sing of your righteousness.

    15 O Lord, open my lips,
    and my mouth will declare your praise.

    16 You do not delight in sacrifice, or I would bring it;
    you do not take pleasure in burnt offerings.

    17 The sacrifices of God are [c] a broken spirit;
    a broken and contrite heart,
    O God, you will not despise.

    I know that your heart is for Him and that you desire to obey Him. Your sacrifices are pleasing to Him, Jordan, whatever they are.

    Love you and am praying for you.
    Susan B.

  4. Jordan,

    As I read your post today, I felt sad - sad that you are not experiencing Africa and its people the way that you thought you would. But then He reminded me why should you be any different. Sorry if that sounds cold but many times life turns out differently than what we expected. The key is how we response to the disappointments and the roadblocks. So what words of encouragement can I give you? Rejoice in the fact that you listened to His call. He chose you to go to Africa and you went. He chose you to laminate books and you are doing it. However, insignificant it feels, remember He is using you for His glory. He asked you to be obedient and you were and still are. We don’t know what His plans are for those books. We don’t know who is watching you laminate those books. But we do know that He is watching and He is smiling because you are willing to be obedient to traveling across the world to do the “little” things that you were asked to do. Jordan, the love of God shows thru you when you smile, when you laugh, when you write, when you sing and when you speak. You are making a difference. You are doing what you were created to do. You are serving Him.

    Isaiah 41:9

    You whom I have taken from the ends of the earth, and called from its remotest parts and said to you, 'you are My servant, I have chosen you and not rejected you.’

    I love you, miss you and am praying for you!!

  5. Hey sister,
    I have been reading your blog since you have been in Africa and first of all I am jealous of the opportunity you are getting, I call it Missionary Envy. I don't think it is a real thing, but everytime someone goes overseas, I get completely jealous. Usually, I can refrain from commenting, but today I just can't resist.

    I know, what you are feeling. I have wanted to be a missionary my WHOLE life, I dreamed about it, I read about it, I studied it... I got to Indonesia and I hated it. I was so angry, that I didn't love it. I even started to dislike the fact that God that placed this calling on my life. Every morning... when the call to prayer would start at like 5am, I would wake up before everyone else and would just read the bible and pray. Usually, the prayer would sound something like this... Good Grief God, how could I be wrong about this whole thing?

    Once, I moved there for the semester I began to do things that I thought were stupid or useless. Every week, I homeschooled a third and first grader TCK. I remember as I was sweating up a storm... I am not hear to minister to this kids, they know the Lord, they have every advantage that they need. There are kids out on the streets of Jkt, that are begging for money and I am teaching fractions.
    I wish, I can say that this became my favorite part of the trip, but that would not be the truth. I remember talking with my roommate in college and talking about my time there and she told me something that really stuck with me and has been kind of something that I stand by now. We are called and lead to minister to everyone, not just the people who are lost or poor or without things. We are supposed to minister to people. So, the tasks that we think are stupid or useless, when looked at with this mindset can be just as much of a blessing. By you doing this work, you are enabling someone else to go out and work for Christ, instead of being stuck in the library. Just like you are planting a seed everytime you share the Love of Christ even if you don't see that person come to Christ.

    Enough rambling... When you get back we go and I want to hear about everything. Remember that the Lord has placed you there and it might take you three years to realize why, but he promises that He knows everything. I encourage you to read Jeremiah. Also, remember that YOU are an amazing woman, that is doing something by yourself that most people can't or wouldn't. I will be praying for you and I am sorry about the length of this comment.