I'll be completely honest. I am fighting a terrible attitude today. And there's nothing I can do to get out of it. I've honestly never felt so let down. I'm finally "living my dream," and it's been so disappointing. Especially when I look at what these last two remaining weeks hold.
I was so excited about writing Bible studies for the 3rd to 6th grade girls. But now that has been put on the back burner so I can help out at the school. And I was supposed to be helping out in the 3rd and 4th grade room, but I've been summoned to work in the library.... laminating books.... for hours and hours..... and hours.
Let me explain why this is so disappointing. I have dreamed of coming to Africa for four years. Four years! Four years I've had these dreams of coming to Africa and loving on orphans and sharing the love of Christ with them simply by giving them attention and pouring my life into them. But here I sit, in a library, laminating books. Preserving material things that will one day be destroyed. I wouldn't mind laminating a few books in the states. But I'm in Africa. And only for 2 months. Finally living my dream. I was hoping to make the most of this short time. But I'm stuck in a library laminating books. All I can think is that people are dying and being sent to a Christless eternity, and I'm laminating books.
I think fighting off this bad attitude is so hard because I feel like my original intentions for coming to Africa were at least honorable. I wanted to come share the love of Christ with children and bring glory to my great God in this nation. I wanted to play a part in taking the gospel to the ends of the earth. I came here with such a willing and excited spirit to be used by the Lord in this place. But I only feel like my hopes and dreams have been crushed. Completely demolished.
I'm away from everyone I love, and I've been trying so hard not to count down the days until my departure from this place. But right now, 1 week and 6 days can't seem to go by fast enough. I hate feeling this way. I really and truly do want to make the most of the rest of my time. But it's a fight. A fight that I am losing right now. My heart is broken in this moment.
Please, please pray for the remainder of my time here
Please pray for my attitude.
I'm sorry about all my complaints. But I desperately need prayer.
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
2 Weeks Left
Hello :)
I officially leave to come home 2 weeks from today!
For the remainder of my time here I will be helping out at the Christian school. It's an American school where the missionary kids go. Not sure what exactly I will be doing. I think mostly helping out in the 3rd/4th grade classroom. And waking up at 6 am... which I'm definitely not used to doing, haha.
I'm still writing Bible studies. 10 down. 17 to go.
I do wish I had more time with the nationals here. I am happy to finally feel needed and be helping out at the school. But it has been my dream to come here and help out an orphanage. So I'm honestly very sad that I am still living a completely American life... IN AFRICA. But, I know God knew exactly what I would be doing here.
I guess the good news is - my heart definitely isn't attached here and, honestly, it will be incredibly easy to leave this place. I am so excited to come home!!!! But having said that, I most definitely want to come back to Africa again. And have a completely different experience. An experience where I am submersed in the culture. Where I can actually live life with these people. That dream hasn't left my heart. I can't wait for it to come true someday. I do love this place. I love Africa. I love the people here. I love the children here. I look forward to coming back someday. Even if for just a short stay.
I ate dinner tonight with the lady I told you about in my last post. I definitely had plans of sharing the gospel with her if she didn't know the Lord already. Which, she already does! I asked her who Jesus is to her. And she told me he is her Friend, her Husband, he brings her comfort, etc. And I asked her, "But do you know Him as your Savior?" "OH yes! Yes! He is my Savior!" Our time together tonight was very pleasant, and I was very excited to find out that she loves our Jesus as well :)
So, for my last 2 weeks, here is what I ask you to pray for:
That I wouldn't wish this time away.
To enjoy and make the most of every single moment.
That I will be able to go visit the orphanage a few more times before I leave.
That I will have energy after school during the week to continue prayer walking.
To make the most of every opportunity.
For the Lord to continue sanctifying and refining me.
Ultimately, for the Lord to glorify His Name!
This is from when I went to the giraffe park recently!
Sweet girls at Vacation Bible School!
Precious little boy at the orphanage :)
Did I mention I think the children are beautiful here?!
I officially leave to come home 2 weeks from today!
For the remainder of my time here I will be helping out at the Christian school. It's an American school where the missionary kids go. Not sure what exactly I will be doing. I think mostly helping out in the 3rd/4th grade classroom. And waking up at 6 am... which I'm definitely not used to doing, haha.
I'm still writing Bible studies. 10 down. 17 to go.
I do wish I had more time with the nationals here. I am happy to finally feel needed and be helping out at the school. But it has been my dream to come here and help out an orphanage. So I'm honestly very sad that I am still living a completely American life... IN AFRICA. But, I know God knew exactly what I would be doing here.
I guess the good news is - my heart definitely isn't attached here and, honestly, it will be incredibly easy to leave this place. I am so excited to come home!!!! But having said that, I most definitely want to come back to Africa again. And have a completely different experience. An experience where I am submersed in the culture. Where I can actually live life with these people. That dream hasn't left my heart. I can't wait for it to come true someday. I do love this place. I love Africa. I love the people here. I love the children here. I look forward to coming back someday. Even if for just a short stay.
I ate dinner tonight with the lady I told you about in my last post. I definitely had plans of sharing the gospel with her if she didn't know the Lord already. Which, she already does! I asked her who Jesus is to her. And she told me he is her Friend, her Husband, he brings her comfort, etc. And I asked her, "But do you know Him as your Savior?" "OH yes! Yes! He is my Savior!" Our time together tonight was very pleasant, and I was very excited to find out that she loves our Jesus as well :)
So, for my last 2 weeks, here is what I ask you to pray for:
That I wouldn't wish this time away.
To enjoy and make the most of every single moment.
That I will be able to go visit the orphanage a few more times before I leave.
That I will have energy after school during the week to continue prayer walking.
To make the most of every opportunity.
For the Lord to continue sanctifying and refining me.
Ultimately, for the Lord to glorify His Name!
This is from when I went to the giraffe park recently!
Sweet girls at Vacation Bible School!
Precious little boy at the orphanage :)
Did I mention I think the children are beautiful here?!
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
Writing Bible Studies :)
I am so thankful that I finally feel purpose here! I love this brilliant light that is again shining in my life! I have spent a few hours today writing Bible studies for 3rd to 6th grade girls. I finally feel as though the Lord is allowing me to do something in an area in which He has gifted me. And it's so neat to see how He has orchestrated it all and how He has prepared me in the past for this task.
As children's intern for the past two summers at church, one task I was assigned to my first summer was writing morning devotions, and my second summer I wrote a couple of large group Bible studies for the 3rd to 6th grade students.
Writing these Bible studies is something I am really enjoying doing. And just because it's for 3rd-6th grade students doesn't automatically make it an easy task! It's definitely stretching me! I have to dig in to my creative side to find a way to capture the kid's attention, and then I dig in to scripture to make a 30 minute study. I love it! And I will definitely be stretched by the time I finish writing 27 of them!! That's 13 and half hours of Bible study material, and each takes about an hour and a half to write, so I definitely have my hands full now! I'm so thankful for this opportunity!
Please pray that the Lord would give me wisdom on which topics He would have me to write. This has been the hardest part so far and I've only written three! So feel free to leave comments and throw out ideas on good Bible study topics for 3rd to 6th grade girls, especially if you have girls this age - what would you want them to learn in Bible study?
Thanks for you prayers!! See you all in 20 days :)
As children's intern for the past two summers at church, one task I was assigned to my first summer was writing morning devotions, and my second summer I wrote a couple of large group Bible studies for the 3rd to 6th grade students.
Writing these Bible studies is something I am really enjoying doing. And just because it's for 3rd-6th grade students doesn't automatically make it an easy task! It's definitely stretching me! I have to dig in to my creative side to find a way to capture the kid's attention, and then I dig in to scripture to make a 30 minute study. I love it! And I will definitely be stretched by the time I finish writing 27 of them!! That's 13 and half hours of Bible study material, and each takes about an hour and a half to write, so I definitely have my hands full now! I'm so thankful for this opportunity!
Please pray that the Lord would give me wisdom on which topics He would have me to write. This has been the hardest part so far and I've only written three! So feel free to leave comments and throw out ideas on good Bible study topics for 3rd to 6th grade girls, especially if you have girls this age - what would you want them to learn in Bible study?
Thanks for you prayers!! See you all in 20 days :)
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
GOOD DAY!!
Ok, so today has ended up being a MUCH better day! When I finally realized I needed a major attitude change, the Lord turned the day into such a blessed, productive day. I am just beside myself!
So this morning, I read the daily "My Utmost for His Highest" devotional, and it really challenged me to seek to be more encouraging and to stop sulking and sympathizing in my current situation. I updated my blog this morning, and before posting it I shared the devotional and what I had written with Stacey. She also thought the devotional was incredible and also felt very convicted by it. We were both challenged to change our attitudes. And my oh my, what a difference today has been!
Stacey and I decided to take action rather than wait for someone to tell us what to do. We have become completely disenchanted with sitting at the guesthouse, sulking in our lack-of-things-to-do. So, we did something that neither of us have ever done before. We went prayer walking!!! And wow! One of the greatest things I've ever done! I honestly though it would be awkward - walking down streets and praying out loud. And since neither of us had ever done it before, we had no idea how exactly it was to be done. But... We just went for it.
We just started walking, picked a street that we had never been down, and we started praying. We prayed silently at first, but that didn't last long - maybe 2 minutes. My thoughts get distracted to easily. So then we began praying out loud. It was so neat! I've never prayed this way before. It was like carrying on a conversation, and it just came so naturally. We prayed as we walked past houses, and we prayed for the people who passed us on their bikes and motorcycles. I kept getting the chills and could sense the Holy Spirit's presence as we walked those streets. It was incredible!
As we were walking and as I was praying aloud at the moment, we began walking toward a group of children playing with a ball. I simply asked that the Lord would give us favor with these kids and that we could simply play with them and love on them. So we walked up to them, greeted these beautiful children with what little Zarma we actually know, and we just started playing with them!
I noticed one little boy was laying down on the ground a few yards away, so I walked over to him and asked him his name. A few other kids came to where we were, and they told me, "A sinda baani," - which means he wasn't feeling well. So I asked them where he was feeling sick, and they pointed to his head. I told them, "Iri go ga aduwa," - "We are going to pray." I touched his head, and Stacey and I began to pray for him (in English - we don't know THAT much Zarma!) And then we all went back and played - even the little boy who wasn't feeling well! It was the most fun I've had since being here. We simply threw and kicked the ball around. The kids were laughing and having so much fun!! I felt like I was on top of the world! THIS is why I'm here. These children are beautiful, and even though I can't speak their language, I CAN play with them. I CAN give them attention. And I CAN show them the love of Christ.
We didn't get to stay long because we had plans at 4:00, but we told the children we would be back tomorrow. Pretty sure we told them tomorrow at six - or at least that's what we tried to tell them in their language. On our way back to the guest house Stacey and I continued to pray. And as we were walking, a lady was passing on the other side of the road. We began to greet her in Zarma, but to our surprise, she spoke English!! So we stopped and talked with her for a couple minutes, and in those few minutes we found out she is from Gana and in Niger until August 27th. We exchanged phone numbers and plan to get dinner in the next couple of days. If that wasn't a divine encounter, I don't know what is. As we walked away, I immediately told Stacey, "We're going to share the gospel with her!" And as we continued to walk, we lifted her up in our prayers. I ask that you would also begin to pray for this woman and pray that the Lord would begin to open her heart to the gospel and that we will have favor to share with her.
Ah, today was a good day! Thank you for your prayers, and thank you for your encouragement! God is good!
So this morning, I read the daily "My Utmost for His Highest" devotional, and it really challenged me to seek to be more encouraging and to stop sulking and sympathizing in my current situation. I updated my blog this morning, and before posting it I shared the devotional and what I had written with Stacey. She also thought the devotional was incredible and also felt very convicted by it. We were both challenged to change our attitudes. And my oh my, what a difference today has been!
Stacey and I decided to take action rather than wait for someone to tell us what to do. We have become completely disenchanted with sitting at the guesthouse, sulking in our lack-of-things-to-do. So, we did something that neither of us have ever done before. We went prayer walking!!! And wow! One of the greatest things I've ever done! I honestly though it would be awkward - walking down streets and praying out loud. And since neither of us had ever done it before, we had no idea how exactly it was to be done. But... We just went for it.
We just started walking, picked a street that we had never been down, and we started praying. We prayed silently at first, but that didn't last long - maybe 2 minutes. My thoughts get distracted to easily. So then we began praying out loud. It was so neat! I've never prayed this way before. It was like carrying on a conversation, and it just came so naturally. We prayed as we walked past houses, and we prayed for the people who passed us on their bikes and motorcycles. I kept getting the chills and could sense the Holy Spirit's presence as we walked those streets. It was incredible!
As we were walking and as I was praying aloud at the moment, we began walking toward a group of children playing with a ball. I simply asked that the Lord would give us favor with these kids and that we could simply play with them and love on them. So we walked up to them, greeted these beautiful children with what little Zarma we actually know, and we just started playing with them!
I noticed one little boy was laying down on the ground a few yards away, so I walked over to him and asked him his name. A few other kids came to where we were, and they told me, "A sinda baani," - which means he wasn't feeling well. So I asked them where he was feeling sick, and they pointed to his head. I told them, "Iri go ga aduwa," - "We are going to pray." I touched his head, and Stacey and I began to pray for him (in English - we don't know THAT much Zarma!) And then we all went back and played - even the little boy who wasn't feeling well! It was the most fun I've had since being here. We simply threw and kicked the ball around. The kids were laughing and having so much fun!! I felt like I was on top of the world! THIS is why I'm here. These children are beautiful, and even though I can't speak their language, I CAN play with them. I CAN give them attention. And I CAN show them the love of Christ.
We didn't get to stay long because we had plans at 4:00, but we told the children we would be back tomorrow. Pretty sure we told them tomorrow at six - or at least that's what we tried to tell them in their language. On our way back to the guest house Stacey and I continued to pray. And as we were walking, a lady was passing on the other side of the road. We began to greet her in Zarma, but to our surprise, she spoke English!! So we stopped and talked with her for a couple minutes, and in those few minutes we found out she is from Gana and in Niger until August 27th. We exchanged phone numbers and plan to get dinner in the next couple of days. If that wasn't a divine encounter, I don't know what is. As we walked away, I immediately told Stacey, "We're going to share the gospel with her!" And as we continued to walk, we lifted her up in our prayers. I ask that you would also begin to pray for this woman and pray that the Lord would begin to open her heart to the gospel and that we will have favor to share with her.
Ah, today was a good day! Thank you for your prayers, and thank you for your encouragement! God is good!
Sympathizer to Encourager
I want to start by saying thank you from the bottom of my heart to all of those who have sent me encouragement and to those of you who have been keeping me in your prayers. I wish I could tell you that the darkness has lifted from my spirit, but the fight is still there. I honestly don't know how to explain what exactly I am going through, the thoughts and feelings that consume me day to day, but I can tell you that I am continuing to earnestly cling to the Lord, and I am waiting eagerly for light to come and shine in this place.
I keep getting slaps in the face that wake me up and remind me that I am not always to know what exactly God is doing, but that I am simply to trust Him. I am trying my hardest to put all my trust in Him, and I am seeking to live through this time with grace. So often do I want to give up. So often do I dream of getting on the airplane and coming home. But for the sake of Christ, I know there is no way I could do either of those things. And while I am living in this moment, all I can hope to do is glorify Him by not giving up. By not allowing this darkness to consume me. By keeping my head held high and trusting that God knows exactly what He is doing.
This morning, God brought me another one of these pleasant face slaps. He has a funny way of giving me exactly what I need at the exact moment I need it - it's like He really does know what He is doing. I usually just share a small part of what He's shown me, but today, to be able to fully explain my thoughts, I want to share the whole thing - it's not too long. Just the daily devotional from O. Chambers "My Utmost for His Highest" that I have shared so much from already.
One thing I noticed just last night after I got done talking with my roommate Stacey (who is also going through very similar circumstances - so please keep her in your prayers as well), I realized something. And my realization was confirmed through this devotional today. I am so thankful Stacey is here. I am so thankful to have someone by my side who understands exactly what I am going through. We have even acknowledged to each other a sentence such as this, "It's different talking to you than it is talking to people back at home because you really understand what I'm going through. They just don't get it." And this is basically meant in the context of - Well, it's easy for them to say those things because they don't completely understand what I'm going through. But you know, I had the realization that the conversations Stacey and I have are so different because we are IN our circumstances and can't see past an inch in front of our faces. What really struck me from this devotional is the part where it says, "The people who do us good are never those who sympathize with us, they always hinder, because sympathy enervates." (Enervate - cause (someone) to feel drained of energy or vitality; weaken). Since Stacey and I are in the same circumstances, it is so easy for us to have sympathy with each other. Our conversations can tend to sound a lot like, "Woe is me." "I don't understand." "I don't get what is going on." Honestly though, it is helpful to know that there is someone going through this with me, but I am realizing now that our sympathy for each other is getting us nowhere. We are only running in circles. We are only causing each other to feel drained and weakened.
I am realizing now, it's time for a major attitude change. I want to change my role of "sympathizer" to "encourager." And this will cause me to dig even deeper than ever before. It's so easy to receive encouragement from all of you back home. And it's so easy to be here and to sympathize with myself and with Stacey. But if I want this darkness to lift, I must seek not only to be encouraged, but to BE an encourager as well. And that's so hard because, in the moment, sympathy feels so good. Sympathy is easy. Not only will I be seeking to encourage Stacey, but I will be seeking to encourage myself. It's much easier to encourage someone when you are outside the situation, but to encourage someone with whom you are in the situation with, you're not just seeking to encourage that other person, but to encourage yourself as well. And I don't even know how to do that. But it's my new mission!
This post is already long, but I have a little more...
The last paragraph of the devotional today really hit me. It couldn't have been more spot on to say to me what I need to hear. "God plants His saints in the most useless places." Uh, yes He does!!! I have never in my life felt so useless as I do now (as I voiced in my last post). But, "Got puts His saints where they will glorify Him, and we are no judges at all of where that is." I feel like I just got reprimanded when I read that sentence. "Yes Lord," is all I can say to that. "Yes Lord. Forgive me for doubting. Forgive me for thinking you sent me here because I thought I was so useful. Lord you sent me here to glorify your Name. That's what I've been praying. THAT has been my one desire. THAT is what you have reduced me to. And somehow I've overlooked it. I will seek to glorify You in the simplest form - to trust that You know what You are doing. To seek to become an encourager in this darkness in which I am surrounded. To seek what you would have me do in my abundance of free time here. Father, glorify your Name."
I keep getting slaps in the face that wake me up and remind me that I am not always to know what exactly God is doing, but that I am simply to trust Him. I am trying my hardest to put all my trust in Him, and I am seeking to live through this time with grace. So often do I want to give up. So often do I dream of getting on the airplane and coming home. But for the sake of Christ, I know there is no way I could do either of those things. And while I am living in this moment, all I can hope to do is glorify Him by not giving up. By not allowing this darkness to consume me. By keeping my head held high and trusting that God knows exactly what He is doing.
This morning, God brought me another one of these pleasant face slaps. He has a funny way of giving me exactly what I need at the exact moment I need it - it's like He really does know what He is doing. I usually just share a small part of what He's shown me, but today, to be able to fully explain my thoughts, I want to share the whole thing - it's not too long. Just the daily devotional from O. Chambers "My Utmost for His Highest" that I have shared so much from already.
"The Sacrament of the Saint
"So then, those who suffer according to God's will should commit themselves to their faithful Creator and continue to do good." 1 Peter 4:19
To choose to suffer means that there is something wrong; to choose God's will even if it means suffering is a very different thing. No healthy saint ever chooses suffering; he chooses God's will, as Jesus did, whether it means suffering or not. No saint dare interfere with the discipline of suffering in another saint.
The saint who satisfies the heart of Jesus will make other saints strong and mature for God. The people who do us good are never those who sympathize with us, they always hinder, because sympathy enervates. No one understands a saint but the saint who is nearest to the Saviour. If we accept the sympathy of a saint, the reflex feeling is - Well, God is dealing hardly with me. That is why jesus said self-pity was of the devil (see Matt. 16:23). Be merciful to God's reputation. It is easy to blacken God's character because God never answers back, He never vindicates Himself. Beware of the thought that Jesus needed sympathy in His earthly life; He refused sympathy from man because He knew far too wisely that no one on earth understood what He was after. He took sympathy from His Father only, and from the angels in heaven. (Cf. Luke 15:10.)
Notice God's unutterable waste of saints, according to the judgment of the world. God plants His saints in the most useless places. We say - God intends me to be here because I am so useful. Jesus never estimated His life along the line of the greatest use. God puts His saints where they will glorify Him, and we are no judge at all of where that is."
One thing I noticed just last night after I got done talking with my roommate Stacey (who is also going through very similar circumstances - so please keep her in your prayers as well), I realized something. And my realization was confirmed through this devotional today. I am so thankful Stacey is here. I am so thankful to have someone by my side who understands exactly what I am going through. We have even acknowledged to each other a sentence such as this, "It's different talking to you than it is talking to people back at home because you really understand what I'm going through. They just don't get it." And this is basically meant in the context of - Well, it's easy for them to say those things because they don't completely understand what I'm going through. But you know, I had the realization that the conversations Stacey and I have are so different because we are IN our circumstances and can't see past an inch in front of our faces. What really struck me from this devotional is the part where it says, "The people who do us good are never those who sympathize with us, they always hinder, because sympathy enervates." (Enervate - cause (someone) to feel drained of energy or vitality; weaken). Since Stacey and I are in the same circumstances, it is so easy for us to have sympathy with each other. Our conversations can tend to sound a lot like, "Woe is me." "I don't understand." "I don't get what is going on." Honestly though, it is helpful to know that there is someone going through this with me, but I am realizing now that our sympathy for each other is getting us nowhere. We are only running in circles. We are only causing each other to feel drained and weakened.
I am realizing now, it's time for a major attitude change. I want to change my role of "sympathizer" to "encourager." And this will cause me to dig even deeper than ever before. It's so easy to receive encouragement from all of you back home. And it's so easy to be here and to sympathize with myself and with Stacey. But if I want this darkness to lift, I must seek not only to be encouraged, but to BE an encourager as well. And that's so hard because, in the moment, sympathy feels so good. Sympathy is easy. Not only will I be seeking to encourage Stacey, but I will be seeking to encourage myself. It's much easier to encourage someone when you are outside the situation, but to encourage someone with whom you are in the situation with, you're not just seeking to encourage that other person, but to encourage yourself as well. And I don't even know how to do that. But it's my new mission!
This post is already long, but I have a little more...
The last paragraph of the devotional today really hit me. It couldn't have been more spot on to say to me what I need to hear. "God plants His saints in the most useless places." Uh, yes He does!!! I have never in my life felt so useless as I do now (as I voiced in my last post). But, "Got puts His saints where they will glorify Him, and we are no judges at all of where that is." I feel like I just got reprimanded when I read that sentence. "Yes Lord," is all I can say to that. "Yes Lord. Forgive me for doubting. Forgive me for thinking you sent me here because I thought I was so useful. Lord you sent me here to glorify your Name. That's what I've been praying. THAT has been my one desire. THAT is what you have reduced me to. And somehow I've overlooked it. I will seek to glorify You in the simplest form - to trust that You know what You are doing. To seek to become an encourager in this darkness in which I am surrounded. To seek what you would have me do in my abundance of free time here. Father, glorify your Name."
Saturday, August 7, 2010
Fighting Discouragement
Well I woke up this morning, and today I have been fighting intense discouragement. Discouragement about how my time is being used here and what my purpose is (still not any closer to really figuring this one out). I was feeling as though I have wasted so much time, and have been dealing with a lot of frustration about specifically how my time is spent here.
Before I came to Africa, I expected to come here and dive right into ministry. I expected to be living life with the people here and constantly showing them the love of Christ. But as I look back over these past five weeks, the percentage of my time between spending time with the nationals and the other missionaries or at the guest house has been more than disappointing. I only get to spend 2 to 3 hours a day maximum with the nationals, and the rest of my time is spent with the other missionaries, eating meals, or just spending time at the guest house. It's like I'm living an American life in the middle of Africa. And I can't help but have this thought eat away at my mind saying, "Jordan, what are you doing? You're wasting so much time!!! How is God really using you? What impact are you having on these people?" I'm telling you, I really can't put into words how discouraging these thoughts have been. Especially when I've had this desire to come to Africa for 4 years now - this is completely not what I expected.
I've reached the end of myself. My spirit is broken. Today, I have reached the lowest point of discouragement. I feel so trapped. I don't have any freedom really to just go out and do ministry for a few reasons: (1) I can't speak the language. (2) I depend on my supervisors to drive me places. (3) I can't take taxis anymore because of certain circumstances. I feel so helpless.
My prayers have been reduced to the simplest form because I just don't know what to pray anymore. "Father, glorify your name and sanctify me during my time here. Refine me through your fire and do whatever it takes to bring glory to yourself." I feel that through that simple request that surely good will come of these two months.
I also pray that He uses this blog to be a ministry to all of you back home. I don't really have a ministry here, so I feel this blog may be a way the Lord will use me. I feel like I am experiencing a form of suffering during my time here - which I know that to be a disciple of Christ he calls us to a life of suffering - he calls us to take up our cross daily and to follow Him - and the road of the cross is a road full of suffering. So I pray that through my difficulties here that you all will be encouraged in your faith. I pray that you will be challenged to follow Christ more fervently and to take steps that will stretch your faith in Him. If I came here simply to reach people back home, then my time here will be worth it. Or if I came here simply for the Lord to refine me (and not necessarily to reach anyone else) and to reach me, then I will accept that as well.
I did find some encouragement in 2 Corinthians today. A few different verses really spoke to me. So I'll share them with you:
"But thanks be to God, who always leads us in triumphal procession in Christ and through us spreads everywhere the fragrance of the knowledge of him." 2 Corinthians 2:14
From this verse, I simply pray that the Lord would use me to spread a fragrance of the knowledge of Him. Even though I can't speak the language here, I would be delighted if people could sense even the slightest fragrance of our Savior through my being here.
"Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal." 2 Corinthians 4:16-18
I am encouraged by these verses, and I simply pray that the Lord would renew me and renew my strength day by day, moment by moment, because I can't make it through here without Him. I am also so encouraged by the part that says, "we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen." Clearly, I have nothing here to fix my eyes on that can be seen - no personal ministry, no relationships. I can only fix my eyes on my Father and trust that He knows what He is doing.
And here, I am so encouraged by, and so desire this joy that Paul speaks of:
"Rather, as servants of God we commend ourselves in every way: in great endurance; in troubles, in hardships and distresses; in beatings, imprisonments and riots; in hard work, sleepless nights and hunger; in purity, understanding, patience and kindness; in the Holy Spirit and in sincere love; in truthful speech and in the power of God; with weapons of righteousness in the right hand and in the left; through glory and dishonor, bad report and good report; genuine, yet regarded as impostors; known, yet regarded as unknown; dying, and yet we live on; beaten, and yet no killed; sorrowful, yet always rejoicing; poor, yet making many rich; having nothing, and yet possessing everything.
...
I am greatly encouraged; in all our troubles my joy knows no bound." 2 Corinthians 6:4-10, 7:4
Oh Lord, let my joy know no bounds!! Even in my troubles! My troubles don't even compare to what Paul went through, yet his joy knew no bounds. I want that joy. A joy that can't be shaken by anything in this world. A joy that says, "I am hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed." (2 Corinthians 4:8).
I ask that you would please pray that God would continue to encourage my heart through His word and through His Spirit. I ask that if you feel led to, please send me encouragement as well. Paul speaks of how God comforted him by sending Titus. He said, "But God, who comforts the downcast, comforted us by the coming of Titus, and not only by his coming but also by the comfort you had given him. He told us about your longing for me, your deep sorrow, your ardent concern for me, so that my joy was greater than ever." (2 Corinthians 7:6-7). To be a part of the body of Christ is such a blessing because we have the opportunity to encourage and to be encouraged by one another. I come to you now as your sister, and I simply ask as one in need, I seek your encouragement and your prayers.
Before I came to Africa, I expected to come here and dive right into ministry. I expected to be living life with the people here and constantly showing them the love of Christ. But as I look back over these past five weeks, the percentage of my time between spending time with the nationals and the other missionaries or at the guest house has been more than disappointing. I only get to spend 2 to 3 hours a day maximum with the nationals, and the rest of my time is spent with the other missionaries, eating meals, or just spending time at the guest house. It's like I'm living an American life in the middle of Africa. And I can't help but have this thought eat away at my mind saying, "Jordan, what are you doing? You're wasting so much time!!! How is God really using you? What impact are you having on these people?" I'm telling you, I really can't put into words how discouraging these thoughts have been. Especially when I've had this desire to come to Africa for 4 years now - this is completely not what I expected.
I've reached the end of myself. My spirit is broken. Today, I have reached the lowest point of discouragement. I feel so trapped. I don't have any freedom really to just go out and do ministry for a few reasons: (1) I can't speak the language. (2) I depend on my supervisors to drive me places. (3) I can't take taxis anymore because of certain circumstances. I feel so helpless.
My prayers have been reduced to the simplest form because I just don't know what to pray anymore. "Father, glorify your name and sanctify me during my time here. Refine me through your fire and do whatever it takes to bring glory to yourself." I feel that through that simple request that surely good will come of these two months.
I also pray that He uses this blog to be a ministry to all of you back home. I don't really have a ministry here, so I feel this blog may be a way the Lord will use me. I feel like I am experiencing a form of suffering during my time here - which I know that to be a disciple of Christ he calls us to a life of suffering - he calls us to take up our cross daily and to follow Him - and the road of the cross is a road full of suffering. So I pray that through my difficulties here that you all will be encouraged in your faith. I pray that you will be challenged to follow Christ more fervently and to take steps that will stretch your faith in Him. If I came here simply to reach people back home, then my time here will be worth it. Or if I came here simply for the Lord to refine me (and not necessarily to reach anyone else) and to reach me, then I will accept that as well.
I did find some encouragement in 2 Corinthians today. A few different verses really spoke to me. So I'll share them with you:
"But thanks be to God, who always leads us in triumphal procession in Christ and through us spreads everywhere the fragrance of the knowledge of him." 2 Corinthians 2:14
From this verse, I simply pray that the Lord would use me to spread a fragrance of the knowledge of Him. Even though I can't speak the language here, I would be delighted if people could sense even the slightest fragrance of our Savior through my being here.
"Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal." 2 Corinthians 4:16-18
I am encouraged by these verses, and I simply pray that the Lord would renew me and renew my strength day by day, moment by moment, because I can't make it through here without Him. I am also so encouraged by the part that says, "we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen." Clearly, I have nothing here to fix my eyes on that can be seen - no personal ministry, no relationships. I can only fix my eyes on my Father and trust that He knows what He is doing.
And here, I am so encouraged by, and so desire this joy that Paul speaks of:
"Rather, as servants of God we commend ourselves in every way: in great endurance; in troubles, in hardships and distresses; in beatings, imprisonments and riots; in hard work, sleepless nights and hunger; in purity, understanding, patience and kindness; in the Holy Spirit and in sincere love; in truthful speech and in the power of God; with weapons of righteousness in the right hand and in the left; through glory and dishonor, bad report and good report; genuine, yet regarded as impostors; known, yet regarded as unknown; dying, and yet we live on; beaten, and yet no killed; sorrowful, yet always rejoicing; poor, yet making many rich; having nothing, and yet possessing everything.
...
I am greatly encouraged; in all our troubles my joy knows no bound." 2 Corinthians 6:4-10, 7:4
Oh Lord, let my joy know no bounds!! Even in my troubles! My troubles don't even compare to what Paul went through, yet his joy knew no bounds. I want that joy. A joy that can't be shaken by anything in this world. A joy that says, "I am hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed." (2 Corinthians 4:8).
I ask that you would please pray that God would continue to encourage my heart through His word and through His Spirit. I ask that if you feel led to, please send me encouragement as well. Paul speaks of how God comforted him by sending Titus. He said, "But God, who comforts the downcast, comforted us by the coming of Titus, and not only by his coming but also by the comfort you had given him. He told us about your longing for me, your deep sorrow, your ardent concern for me, so that my joy was greater than ever." (2 Corinthians 7:6-7). To be a part of the body of Christ is such a blessing because we have the opportunity to encourage and to be encouraged by one another. I come to you now as your sister, and I simply ask as one in need, I seek your encouragement and your prayers.
Sunday, August 1, 2010
Psalm 63
I am really missing home this day. Missing the fellowship and encouragement of my closest friends and family. I knew this day would come. I knew before I ever stepped on that airplane to come here that I would experience this loneliness. I looked forward to being lonely because I knew it would make me depend on my Lord. So, even in this sadness, in this loneliness, I rejoice. As difficult as it is, I know my Jesus is drawing me closer to Him.
I can't put into words how much I miss hugging the people I love. Something so simple as a hug is something I have realized I take so much for granted. But in a hug, so many things are said. And without hugs from the ones you love, you realize the importance of the words that are said through them. I texted my mom yesterday and told her that I can't begin to explain how much I look forward to the moment when I step off the airplane and get to hug her and Tony. Those two hugs will mean more to me than words could ever express. So something I ask of each of you this day - don't take for granted being surrounded by the people you love, and cherish something as simple as a hug.
So enough of my hug soapbox... I want to share what this time of loneliness has led me to. It really has led me to complete dependence on my God. I've never had to seek the Lord as my friend. In the past, I have sought Him as my Comforter, my Healer, my Strength, my Joy, and my Peace - and He has proven faithful in becoming those things to me. And now, I am trusting that He will reveal Himself as my Friend. As a friend who sticks closer than a brother as it says in Proverbs 18:24. And in seeking Him as my friend, I have chosen to memorize the first eight verses of Psalm 63.
I find so much comfort in this Psalm because of the promise it reveals. In verse 1 we declare, "...earnestly I seek you..." And then in verse 5 - "My soul will be satisfied..." Because of this clear promise, I can rest assured that Jesus will be my friend. I am seeking Him earnestly as that. Not only will my soul be satisfied, but satisfied as with the richest of foods. I think about those Sundays when Tony grills the best steaks, and my mom cooks cheesy ranch potatoes and fried okra and rolls - how my stomach is so full, so satisfied that it actually hurts. That is the satisfaction I am promised and eagerly awaiting. To have such a close friend in Jesus that I might actually get annoyed with Him and His closeness. Of course I'm joking. But really, to know Jesus as my closest friend would be so beautiful. And that is what I am praying for.
And here, I come to you again, asking you to join me in this prayer. That Jesus would satisfy my lonely state. That I would experience Him in a new way and that He would wrap me in His arms and let me experience the joy, the comfort, and the encouragement of His hugs.
Thank you so much for your prayers and know that my love pours out to you all even from so far away.
I can't put into words how much I miss hugging the people I love. Something so simple as a hug is something I have realized I take so much for granted. But in a hug, so many things are said. And without hugs from the ones you love, you realize the importance of the words that are said through them. I texted my mom yesterday and told her that I can't begin to explain how much I look forward to the moment when I step off the airplane and get to hug her and Tony. Those two hugs will mean more to me than words could ever express. So something I ask of each of you this day - don't take for granted being surrounded by the people you love, and cherish something as simple as a hug.
So enough of my hug soapbox... I want to share what this time of loneliness has led me to. It really has led me to complete dependence on my God. I've never had to seek the Lord as my friend. In the past, I have sought Him as my Comforter, my Healer, my Strength, my Joy, and my Peace - and He has proven faithful in becoming those things to me. And now, I am trusting that He will reveal Himself as my Friend. As a friend who sticks closer than a brother as it says in Proverbs 18:24. And in seeking Him as my friend, I have chosen to memorize the first eight verses of Psalm 63.
"Oh God, you are my God,
earnestly I seek you;
my soul thirsts for you,
my body longs for you,
in a dry and weary land
where there is no water.
I have seen you in the sanctuary
and beheld your power and your glory.
Because your love is better than life,
my lips will glorify you.
I will praise you as long as I live,
and in your name I will lift up my hands.
My soul will be satisfied as with the richest of foods;
with singling lips my mouth will praise you.
On my bed I remember you;
I think of you through the watches of the night.
Because you are my help,
I sing in the shadow of your wings.
My soul clings to you;
your right hand upholds me."
I find so much comfort in this Psalm because of the promise it reveals. In verse 1 we declare, "...earnestly I seek you..." And then in verse 5 - "My soul will be satisfied..." Because of this clear promise, I can rest assured that Jesus will be my friend. I am seeking Him earnestly as that. Not only will my soul be satisfied, but satisfied as with the richest of foods. I think about those Sundays when Tony grills the best steaks, and my mom cooks cheesy ranch potatoes and fried okra and rolls - how my stomach is so full, so satisfied that it actually hurts. That is the satisfaction I am promised and eagerly awaiting. To have such a close friend in Jesus that I might actually get annoyed with Him and His closeness. Of course I'm joking. But really, to know Jesus as my closest friend would be so beautiful. And that is what I am praying for.
And here, I come to you again, asking you to join me in this prayer. That Jesus would satisfy my lonely state. That I would experience Him in a new way and that He would wrap me in His arms and let me experience the joy, the comfort, and the encouragement of His hugs.
Thank you so much for your prayers and know that my love pours out to you all even from so far away.
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